I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
