I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
