i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
