I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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