One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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