I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Found the puke drawer
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
