Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
