also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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