I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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