we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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