So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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