hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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