1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
