I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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