You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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