I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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