I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
