She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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