this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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