we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
