My cat gives me a boner
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Drake has all the answers
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
