Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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