My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
