we have officially lost it.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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