my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
