Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
