I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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