he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize