walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
