You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
