my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
