woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
