Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Randomize