Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
