I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
