Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
