Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just google imaged poop.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
