What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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