We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
