I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize