You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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