ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
