How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
