That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
