Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
