my mouth tastes like poor choices
I puked a lego.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
