Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
