My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
