I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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