Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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