You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
