He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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