Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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