It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
