Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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