after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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