I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
