Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
