Someone shit on the floor
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize