i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
