Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
