I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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