Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
