the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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