You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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