You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
