So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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