I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
