i would punch a child for taco bell
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
