you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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